I probably shouldn’t have said this in public, but now that the cat’s out of the bag, I might as well tell you all as well.
It all started a few days ago with a question about what the median number of Twitter followers is among active accounts. It turns out to be surprisingly low – less than 100 – and people with just 1000 followers are in the 96th percentile. This prompted me to make the following observation:
I'd always assumed you'd need to be pushing 5 digits to qualify for the top 1% of Twitter followers. I was way off.
— Adam Lee (@DaylightAtheism) March 21, 2014
PZ rejoindered that even being in the top 1% would still put you among a vast horde, and that’s when I made the crucial slip-up.
@pzmyers @CultOfCourtney The way I see it, that's good enough to get a spot on one of the space arks. We are building space arks, right?
— Adam Lee (@DaylightAtheism) March 21, 2014
@CultOfCourtney @pzmyers Whoops, sorry! What I meant to say was, I don't know anything about a global catastrophe in July 2015.
— Adam Lee (@DaylightAtheism) March 21, 2014
Well, thanks to my loose tongue, the damage was done. The only thing to do at that point, I thought, was to be completely candid with everyone:
By the way, if you have 1,000 Twitter followers or more, you're eligible for a seat on one of the space arks.
— Adam Lee (@DaylightAtheism) March 21, 2014
That's why Twitter was created. It was deemed to be the most humane selection method.
— Adam Lee (@DaylightAtheism) March 21, 2014
Just to clarify, Facebook friends don't count toward the space arks. The top FB users will instead be invited to live with the mole people.
— Adam Lee (@DaylightAtheism) March 21, 2014
Several people raised questions about this, so the following day I had to post a followup:
OK, since I've gotten some questions, let me clarify about Twitter and the space arks.
— Adam Lee (@DaylightAtheism) March 22, 2014
First: it's not the case that only those on the arks will survive. I never said the Earth's surface will become uninhabitable.
— Adam Lee (@DaylightAtheism) March 22, 2014
Will it become a dystopian wasteland run by steampunk gangs? Most certainly. But there will be lots of survivors.
— Adam Lee (@DaylightAtheism) March 22, 2014
There will also be concession stands run by the mole people.
— Adam Lee (@DaylightAtheism) March 22, 2014
As I said, anyone with 1000 or more Twitter followers will get onto the space arks. Those of us with fewer than 5000 will be in steerage.
— Adam Lee (@DaylightAtheism) March 22, 2014
When the time is right, we on the arks will return to repopulate the earth and bring on a new golden age, as the prophecies have foretold.
— Adam Lee (@DaylightAtheism) March 22, 2014
I hope this clears up any lingering confusion.
— Adam Lee (@DaylightAtheism) March 22, 2014
.@CultOfCourtney Yes, they'll get to live in the sealed habitat domes along with the giant pandas.
— Adam Lee (@DaylightAtheism) March 22, 2014
.@DaylightAtheism Now I can't decide whether getting to hang out with giant pandas is worth living near Richard Dawkins.
— Courtney Caldwell (@CultOfCourtney) March 22, 2014
@TheAlexKnapp Psh, you've got nothing to worry about. People with blue checkmarks get a berth on the luxury levels with the holodecks.
— Adam Lee (@DaylightAtheism) March 22, 2014
I hope this resolves any remaining questions. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have the Illuminati on the other line, and I have to do some fast talking – they’re pretty upset with me for disclosing the space-ark thing, as you can imagine. But as long as I don’t reveal the even more secret connection between Reddit upvotes and the kraken-proof dome cities on the ocean floor, I’m pretty sure I can smooth things over…