Originally posted on Atlas Shrugged: Midnight Train to Death, Part III.

Narrator: And that's the list of all the villains that will be dispensed great and horrible choking justice by asphyxiation.
Cobra Commander: First off, usually you don't see 'Justice' and 'Asphyxiation' being uttered in the same breath. And second... Those are your villains.
Narrator: Indeed. I, being the omniscient narrator, can helpfully inform everyone of their crimes so they won't feel bad when the people die in one of the most painful ways known to man.
Cobra Commander: Okay I'd like to point out only villains traditionally take pleasure in anyone's deaths. It's why I run gladiatorial combat arenas, not the Joes. Also I mean at least gladiatorial combat arenas are fun to watch! We give the captives goofy little swords and everything. I'm not even sure I'd really want to watch people choke to death by smoke... even Joes. I'd probably come up with some excuse to walk away and do something else. I mean yeah they'd probably escape but still... seriously who wants to see that?
Narrator: Normally yes that would be a horrifying act of sheer and utter brutality... but these are really, really bad people you know.
Cobra Commander: Really. The guy who got a government loan is one of the most hideous monsters known to mankind?
Narrator: Possibly worse than Hitler, just saying. Don't quote me on that but, you know, feel free to agree.
Cobra Commander: Because he got a government loan.
Narrator: Yes. Why I dare say even you have never stooped to such vile and detestable acts.
Cobra Commander: Well what about the people who just disagreed with you! I mean your list had a bunch of people who you didn't even say did anything they just maybe thought stuff or said something once you disagreed with.
Narrator: Well that's even worse than the government loan! Thought crimes are the most heinous of offenses.
Cobra Commander: That's exactly what a villain would say! Seriously and isn't that the exact opposite of your heroic 'do whatever you like' attitude I thought you guys had?
Narrator: Those people thought that heroes shouldn't be able to do whatever they want, and thinking that other people shouldn't have the freedom to do whatever they want is something so foul that it should never be thought, and anyone who does think that others thoughts might be wrong are the absolute worst evil unless those people thinking that others thoughts are wrong are heroes because they think all their own thoughts are right, in which case it's the greatest of all possible goods.
Cobra Commander: I have no idea what you just said.
Narrator: Well the short version would be that you're free to think and do whatever you want as long as you completely agree with the heroes. If not, you die miserably in a tunnel and we all get to smile approvingly.
Cobra Commander: Okay then, and I hate to bring this up because now I feel like I'm starting to sound like a goody-goody... but what about the children?
Narrator: Looters.
Cobra Commander: Seriously!?
Narrator: Well look at them, have they contributed anything to society? All they do is take and take and take.
Cobra Commander: Because they're kids!
Narrator: Well when heroes were children they already have taken over multinational businesses, what's these kids excuse?
Cobra Commander: You know what... FINE.
*Cobra Commander storms off, calls Dr. Mindbender*
Cobra Commander: Dr. Mindbender! I'm going to need you to create some kind of device that can teleport a bunch of people off of a train and leave behind realistic looking fake corpse copies of those people accurate enough to fool omniscient narrators.
Dr. Mindbender: Well... that's probably going to take some sort of silly magical artifacts or some crystal or something but I can probably whip it up by lunch. Why do you need it though, ransom plot or something?
Cobra Commander: No we're going to be saving some innocent lives.
Dr. Mindbender: That... um... doesn't sound like something Cobra usually does. I mean that kind of sounds like something heroic?
Cobra Commander: This is personal Dr. Mindbender... I've a score to settle. And don't worry, I've it on good authority all these innocents are really 'villains.'
Dr. Mindbender: Somehow your lisp sounds very sarcastic today...
Cobra Commander: Silence! Now get working on the teleporter or I'm going to forbid you from ever doing science experiments shirtless again!
Dr. Mindbender: Right away then sir! Hail Cobra!
Cobra Commander: That's what I thought.