Originally posted on Atlas Shrugged: Loose Lips Sink Ships.
Eddie Willers: That man you were talking to on the television the other night, it was Mr. Galt wasn't it!
Cobra Commander: Mr. Willers, I didn't actually trick you into coming here to answer your questions, I actually just had some free time and finally wanted to get around to that explanation of how you escaped my death trap.
Eddie Willers: But sir! I believe that man works for Taggart Transcontinental!
Cobra Commander: Worked, actually. He's under my employ right now. Actually hold on... that's him over there on the way to the barracks, Trooper number 342.
Eddie Willers: What but... why would you...
Cobra Commander: Well you know I'm just as surprised as you are. I assumed he wouldn't show back up for work but he's still punching in for his shifts. Not to worry, I've been giving him just the worst assignments. Latrines don't clean themselves after all. Does make it easy to keep track of him thanks to the smell though. Shame we can't afford proper cleaning supplies, or enough labor to put anyone else on his work detail. Also I've been poisoning his rations. I kind of realized a little late there that I couldn't make that one sound quite so sarcastic, but I wanted to mention it all the same as it is hilarious.
Eddie Willers: Why would he though? Didn't he just jump on the TV to try and announce his plans to destroy the world?
Cobra Commander: Look it's some kind of... thing he's got going on with Dagny. Honestly I'm not trying to get in their head space on that one, I value my sanity a bit too much. But as they say, keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer so that you can make them scrub toilets with their bare hands.
Eddie Willers: Well... I suppose it's the right thing to do, I was so surprised to see you were actually the savior of the world Mr. Commander sir! I mean with the torture and the really constant claims of villainy and the often trying to murder me I would have just thought...
Cobra Commander: No definitely on the side of the angels on this one Mr. Willers, your leader Thompson has already reached out to me pledging the full support of the country to Cobra. But you do bring up a good point. I've been treating you all wrong.
Eddie Willers: You mean constantly trying to have me executed sir?
Cobra Commander: Well, no. I mean that you're right that I should be constantly trying to have you killed. Rather forgot the constantly part myself for a bit there. I mean why have you tell me how you escaped the death trap when I can just put you in another one and see if you make it out?
Eddie Willers: N-no that's... that's okay sir! I... I mostly was just wondering if you'd seen Ms. Taggart but since you seem busy...
Cobra Commander: Trooper 342! Over here at once! Look Mr. Willers, I'm a nice guy so I'll actually let you catch up with Dagny for oh... however long it takes my men to construct another elaborate death trap to mark the occasion. Usually two, maybe three days?
John Galt: Well Commander, if you put me to the manual labor, considering my amazing capabilities, I'll have your new trap assembled within the day.
Eddie Willers: J-John! We... we were friends! We had lunch together all the time! And I want to help you and Dagny! Together we can free all of you!
John Galt: Now Eddie, chin up. I'm on the clock at the moment and I would never betray my principals by not performing a job to 100 percent, and furthermore...
Cobra Commander: *Ahem* I don't pay you to stand around expositing Trooper.
John Galt: Apologies Commander! I was just going to inform Mr. Willers here that Dagny and I would never, ever have agreed to save his life or bring him with us, even if not in the situation we're in now.
Eddie Willers: *Cries*
Cobra Commander: Look, now see you've gone and broken his spirit. It's going to be so much harder to enjoy having him tossed in a death trap now.
John Galt: Well I did have some thoughts on how to make the spinning robotic snake pit even more deadly by incorporating some ray lasers of my own personal design, Commander.
Cobra Commander: I suppose that shall have to suffice. Mr. Willers... Eddie. I'm sorry. John here and his little band of merry idiotic geniuses I need to keep around to make sure the world has an enemy to root against so they'll rally behind me. But you're a thorn of a different shade. I've been at this game long enough to know the type. You're the spanner in the works. You're the perfect kind of man that if I didn't pay attention to would prove to be the real threat to me in the end. The plucky dedicated guy who happens to have just the right information to bring me down by engineering some public confession or leaking some damning evidence of me.
Eddie Willers: But... but...
Cobra Commander: You can consider it an honor Eddie. You are hands down the closest thing to a hero this story has. Which is why I'm afraid I can't let you live to see the end of it.